* * * * * i'm about to get a little more spiritual than i normally do. for a less serious note, scroll down past the astrix to see my "lighter"entry * * * * * have you ever felt like God was talking to you? have you ever felt like he was directly giving you signs?
i have & it's been going on for a while now. like 6 months now. and everything that's been said is coming true.
i'm not freaked out, just hopeful.
it's the hope that scares me.
because what if what was promised was only in my head? i had a moment in my life when i was an aethiest. i had thought it was one of the bravest things to do.
faith is so much more scary.
i'm terrified because if i'm wrong in believing what i do, i'll be more succeptible to let down if it doesn't "come true". i make it sound like a wish.
and in a way, it is. i wish for a lot guidance and support
i wish for a lot of clarity.
i wish for a sense of security.
i wish for the most simplistic human desires (happiness, peace, self-love)
i wish for my own heaven on earth. and my wishes take the forms of prayers.
prayers to someone i hope is listening.
prayers to someone i beg is listening.
prayers to someone i trust is listening. it's frightening when you're putting trust into something you cannot see.
aethiestic views means one can rely on oneself. they rely on logic. a scientific formula proved over and over by man. faith, however, is taking a leap into the unknown. no comforting facts.
no comforting sciences.
no comforting markers to say "you are 'here' and making the right progress toward your God's master plan"
no comfort in a tangible entity. and with that lack of comfort comes the horror that "hey baby, you could truely be alone". i love to believe someone cares enough to create an after life for me.
i love to believe someone cares enough to have made a form of perfection so that my own imperfections may be forgiven.
i love to believe someone cares enough to carry me through the very dark moments that leave me feeling shadowed. but i won't lie - it scares the shit out of me.
because maybe, He doesn't care. it's funny how that one thought made my heart flutter in defiance and my mind scream out in sheer terror.
it's funny how that one thought can fester & turn you cold. life's fucking hilarious. may you all find the jokes in life that will make you smile and take off even a little of that weight off your shoulders.
Lord knows we're aiming to take as much weight off as possible.
* * * * * end of soul enroaching views on life * * * * * last night was awful. first of all, the bitch from work
*for arguments sake we'll name her mayo because she's white, fat and spreads herself thick*
couldn't come in on time. so i had to cut short my work out and go cover for her til she could come in.
shepherd was there complaining about how she was late.
then for about 40 minutes, she stands around the counter talking to shepherd doing nothing.
he's feulling the conversation, being really nice.
i ask him, quietly "what's up with this nice thing? i think it's awful that you bitch and complain to such an extent and then act so chummy around her."
he says he wants to make it as easy as possible to work with her.
he thinks "friendly working environment" & i think "two-faced, pussy doesn't want to get his hands dirty".
shepherd leaves shortly there after and 20 minutes later mayo goes for a fag break for 10 minutes.
comes back inside on the phone.
doesn't really do much except make herself a cup of tea,
*sugar & milk of course*
talks on the store phone for a bit, serves a few customers, sits her ass on the floor & looks through some dvds to put in our warner brothers retail section.
she goes out for another cigarette break.
takes down two poster things.
serves a couple people and goes for another cigarette break.
puts up a few posters, serves a coupl more people, drinks another cup of tea and has (you guessed it!)
ANOTHER CIGARETTE BREAK
now at this point, i've served over 30 customers & shelved over 75 dvds and have started to stock up before we close.
it's now 30minutes before we close and mayo wants another cigarette break.
each time she goes for a break, i'm in the middle of serving a customer so that i can't say "hey, wait a second".
then in comes mayo's mum.
i hoover, count up my til, tidy the dvd racks & do the last checkin for the dvds in our drop-off box & they're having a good ole chit chat. i wanted to cry i got home, got to bed & fell asleep around 11.30 pm
then i woke up at 3am to a painful bug bite on my back.
joy so far today i've had 2 cups of coffee, my 2 1/2 cups of rice krispies, 2 new potatoes in tunsanian stew broth & thoughts on binge eating.
only because i was tired though.
after the coffee i was able to over ride my desires. now im worried about wednesday. i'm going to an open day uni at westminister.
on my own.
i don't do solidarity in times of depression very well.
hellz bells i SUCK at handling depression.
it leads to my eating disorder. i other news, my size 2 regulars from american eagle are fitting a bit loose.
could be from the years of wearing them though.
i'll try on my size 0's when i reach 110.
this morning i was 115. fuck doodle stay crazi sexi & strong
(and God bless if you could stomach the entire post lmao) ~vix ~ x * * * * edit * * * * * ok so i'm on my period! WOOT FUCKING WOOT! i weighed in at 116 WITH my period AND food in my tummy! i am KICKING ASS! it also would explain my desires to curl up into a ball and cry . . . perfect time to give up smoking :) i threw away 10 cigarettes. they were richmond's and they sucked anyway. shepherd and i had a nice visit outside of work. he's a great friend :) told me some gossip about mayo too lmao she's complained about THROUGH OUT OUR TOWN BY REGULAR CUSTOMERS so we told the manager :P he still maintians it's better to be nice to her so that she HAS to be nice back. but im not a fan of keeping my enemies close because i'd rather cut the mind games & go straight for the kill *so to speak . . . though the reaccuring thought has crossed my mind lmao* intake:
rice krispies: 2 1/2 cups = 260 calories
1 potato dinner roll = 150 calories (max)
1/4 a cup of chexmix = 55 calories
4 mini milkbars = 120 calories
a bit of salmon on a salad = 50 calories
1 hollow smallish chocolate egg = 100
total: 735/840
+ 50 extra from licking some cookie dough off the bowl from cooking with my little sister & mum. fun! but fattening . . . so 785 calories 24 Hour Fast: x
Binge: x
Under limit: +5
Update Xanga: +2
Post Thinspo: x
Comment Team: x
30 minutes exercise:x
1 Hour exercise: +5
8 Hours Sleep: x
Water: +1 per cup = 5
Green Tea: x
Coffee: + 2 per cup = 2
Daily Challenge: + 10
Total: 29 points ~x | 
i wouldn't be as pissed off except for the fact that i was on my feet for 6 hours yesterday at blockbusters and i had drank .5litres of water and when i left for work i was at 116.4lbs so in all technicality, that scale shouldn't have read so much! maybe 115.8 at the most! but then again, i was in my MBTs and my ass was starting to hurt because my muscles were getting a work out. so muscle weight? perhaps? i hope so . . .
i didnt gain?
* my dilemma is that i woke up this morning and did my paper round, came home and promptly felt nauseous. i curled up on the bathroom floor and lay there for 10 minutes. i know it was because i didn't have much food left in me. so i'm wondering if i should fast. i want to fast today (don't get me wrong) it's just that i have work today from 4 til 10. i work at blockbusters so saturdays are one of our busiest shifts. im thinking that if i had two clementines throughout my shift i won't pass out, but does it still count as a fast? if you burn off the calories does that count? if not, then i can't count today as a fast & for future dilemmas such as this i'll have to think of something else(?) tomorrow i start the think_thin_challenge so, seeing as i can get a bit competitive, i want to make sure i'm not "cheating" lmao im such a kid sometimes!
on the plus side, she's reverse thinspo but i don't want to have to deal with her laziness on a sunday. we get LOADS of returns then and most of the time it gets up to 100 dvds in 2 hours. anybody want to replace her? lmao oh well, she keeps me on my toes so it helps on the exercise front. but poo on her for being a bitch! she was facing eviction the other day because her neighbour was complaining about her. her facebook response was "i don't care". SHE HAS A LITTLE GIRL! how selfish can you get?! her mother is just as bad. she also works at blockbusters in a different branch. she & i have talked on the phone briefly *she asked to speak to her "lovely daughter" lmao* so i'm quite fed up! oh well, when she & i work together i look more attractive & get more flirting 
lmao